Transitioning from this world to the next....

It is a big change...when did it happen?  What day?  Why?  How did it happen?  One day she is sitting on the sofa and maybe not talking a lot, but occasionally hearing some words and responding...and she asks to go to the bathroom...and she drinks a little and she eats a little; ....then she is in bed all day...sleeping, not drinking anything.  Is the end near?  We read the brochures that Hospice have left us...outlining the weeks and days prior to death.  What to expect..what will happen, what will we see...how will we know the time is near?

A couple of days ago, Scott, John and I went to the Crown Memorial Mortuary.  We went to prepay for the cremation...get everything all lined up and ready to go.  We selected an urn...made of wood...Myrtle Wood to be exact!  When John and I saw this we NEW this was the one...Elsa loves myrtle wood and it brings her back to her coast roots.  AND the best part is that it is made by a man in Corvallis, OREGON!!  All the arrangements are taken care of...we did it without Bill...this would be too hard on him.  And I know he would trust us to select the best for his wife and he would be happy that we took care of it.  Still, someone needs to tell him...I am thinking son, JOHN!

The change came on Wednesday, November 9.  Elsa did not get out of bed...she barely was even awake.  She did not drink anything...she did not take any pills.  Her speech was almost non existent during the day...if she did say something, it was not coherent.  She was not in any pain, but her eyes are now glassy looking...a "sign" the booklet says...her eyes are just barely open...is she seeing?  Other times they are open and looking heaven ward.  I surely want to talk to her about what she sees...who she sees...it would be such an interesting conversation to have, wouldn't it?  But I don't...I wouldn't probably understand her anyway...

Bill is sitting in the TV room by himself.  Scott and Mari Ane, the caregiver, are in the living room with Elsa, as I walk by, Bill signals me with his hand to come to him.  I go up to him and take his hand and hold it to my chest.  He tries to speak...he holds up a finger to indicate:  wait a minute....he is composing himself for what he needs to ask of me.  After many seconds he says this to me:  "What will happen when she leaves this world".  My very first thought was:  Heaven and God.....but before I get those words out, I ask if he means who will come and what will happen?  And he nods.  So, it is up to me, not John to share what we have taken care of.  I tell him that a hospice nurse may come and will make the call to the Crown Mortuary...he quickly looks up and says, "WHO?"  I tell him not to worry, that Scott, John and I took care of those details, we purchased a beautiful Urn...and I tell him all about it...and that everything has been arranged and prepaid and he does not have to worry about a thing.  He thanks me.  I tell him the people from the mortuary will come and will be taking control of Elsa's body, they will gently prepare her and wrap her in a beautiful quilt to take out of the house.  He thanks me again.  I kiss his hand and then I kiss his cheek.  We both cry...he hands me a kleenex...I ask if there is anything else he would like to know.  He shakes his head.

So all day she is sleeping...and then Bill walks by and the floor board squeeks...Elsa's eyes fly wide open and she says as clearly as day:  "Well, HI! Bill!"  And she takes her hand from under the blanket and reaches out for his hand...he takes hold of it and bends over and kisses her...several times...I watch from a distance...not intruding on the clearly beautiful moment.  Bill gets down on one knee, still holding her hand and he stays kneeling for a few minutes.  I quietly walk in and bring a chair to him, I rub his back and quietly whisper there is a chair for him to sit on.  He sobs...he leaves for the bathroom.  I take Elsa's hand and tell her that Bill had to use the bathroom and will be right back.  He does return and he sits in the chair and holds her hand and she tries to say some words.  Then he sobs and shakes more openly...it is so hard for him...I hand him a kleenex and he takes it and blows his nose.  Elsa says, "Do you have a bloody nose?"  And we both burst out laughing...he leaves again to compose himself...when he comes out of the bathroom I go up to him and say, "Don't you just love that she still has a sense of humor?"

Bill goes around to sit on the side of her hospital bed and to lay his head down...Elsa is now getting a little "fiesty" and she tells me "to let Bill lay down"...I say, would you like him to lay next to you?  And she says again, "just let him lay down".  So I  say, yes, I am just putting a pillow right here for Bill to lay his head on.  She was okay with that.

She did have a restless night...dreaming and probably not pleasant dreams...she was thinking they were going to be taken to jail...and the caregiver assured her that she was safe, and Elsa just said, "Oh, okay".

Thursday was just like Wednesday, except she did drink abut 5 ounces of water...her skin is turning a little yellowish, her eyes are still glassy and she has a smell...I  don't know if it is a 'death smell'  maybe it is just a bad breath smell...but to me, it smells a little fishy...kind of like my kids used to smell when they were running a fever...although Elsa is NOT running a fever, we checked.  And she did get up ONE time today...she wanted to use the bathroom and it was maybe a 10 minute ordeal and it totally wiped her out...she stayed in bed the rest of the day and slept...no eating, but another sip of water around 7 pm.  The caregivers tell us this is a change, this is the transition period.  She maybe has one leg on the earth and maybe one leg up...which way should she go?  For now she is still with us.  Yesterday was a very very difficult day for Bill...it hit home the reality of losing her...sooner rather than later.  Today he seemed to be in better spirits.  I told him that the hearing is the last to go...I told him to sit with her, hold her hand, she knows his touch, she can feel his presence...and talk to her....the talking part is hard for him, but he is holding her hand and loving her...will this end tomorrow?  I don't know.  It will end and it will be sooner rather than later...here are some pictures of "Grandma" with Dina and Lacey.  I tried to take some pictures last night of Bill and Elsa holding hands, but the lights were off and the picture was blurry...perhaps I can try tomorrow...for now, they are just etched in my mind...so beautiful, so precious these two lovely people who have been married nearly 67 years...!